i woke up this morning at seven, and my mom came and sat with me. she laid next to me for a while, hugging me, and we were just having a nice little mother-daughter moment, like when i was little. but then she brought up college, and brought in a bunch of stuff she got when she went to some little presentation at pinkerton the other day. basically she was just telling me how we can’t afford to take out giant loans–she won’t co-sign them with me. she told me not to be angry, but to be realistic–she said she didn’t want my to come out of college over my head in debt like so, so many people have been recently. i think debt is just something everyone is expecting, and that it’s completely unavoidable. with the college prices as ridiculous as they are, hearing someone say “$40,000 loan” or “$100,000 in debt” just carries no significance to me because it seems like it’s expected. 

but, telling you all of this, i must also tell you that today i applied to manchester community college. i don’t know if i’m full of myself or what because i feel like it’s so like…..i dunno, BELOW me. but i looked at the courses, and they don’t look so bad at all. some of them are quite interesting. and to get a two year associates degree in liberal arts education, it would cost me roughly $14,000. for two years of education. that is LESS than HALF of what i would pay for ONE year of college ate hartwick, who gave me a seemingly generous scholarship, but now i’m starting to realize that it’s not really as generous as i thought. and MCC is in a program where my credits could all transfer to UNH, i believe, so that i could pursue german and become a teacher. or maybe i’ll decide on something else, but i think my heart is set on teaching no matter what. AAAHHH IM GETTING EMOTIONAL.

but i think this is a huge decision. i’m not saying i’m DEFINITELY going to MCC and following that plan, but if i don’t get a lot of money from the other colleges i’ve applied to, it’s the best option for me. i would say it’s the best option anyways. i thought community college was for stupid people who could barely pass high school. i want to wear a sweatshirt with my college’s logo on it. i want a random roommate, i want to experience a beautiful campus, dorm life, living away from home, meeting new people, experiencing new things. but i think the most adult decision would be the most frugal one. MCC isn’t terrible, and UNH is a very good school in many respects. it’s going to be hard if i choose this. i’m going to be embarassed when i say, “i’m going to community college” to people who ask me what i’m doing after high school. people might think less of me; they might think i’m lazy, poor, stupid. but i know who i am. i am intelligent, i am capable, i am friendly, and i can be independent and mature when the time comes. i’ve got a great courseload, a great GPA, and i’m not stupid. i think sometime i might come off that way people because i can be naive and ridiculous and loud and in love with animals. i’m usually not confident in my intelligence, but i think it’s about time i start looking at myself a little differently. this is a critical time in my life, and i feel as though i’m picking my way through the tidepools at the beach. when you’re trying to avoid slipping on the rocks, getting cut by the barnacles, and pinched by small crabs in the mud. it’s hard, but i need to do it for all those kids in the future who will learn from me. those students who i will introduce to german, and whose lives i may be able to change; whose horizons i will help expand, and maybe whose passions i can uncover. now i’m getting cheesy, but this is it. this is my future. this is jess hesse.

smeared across gods bedroom walls

and the devils cheeks rosy like

a slice of cherry pie

on the table of fire that we call passionate love

flames bright from a malicious sun

shooting daggers like a

pissed off porcupine cornered

dying, a last attemp at

poking out an eyeball

i see scarlet

until im blind on the floor

of my friends basement

5 AM the light of the television

slaps me in the face

choose your weapon the box screams

needle, cyanide, pistol, baby

suicide

how will you ruin the world today?

stand closer to the well tie

a brick to your leg jump off

jump in jump up jump down

feel the wind on your teeth as you smile fall

like a albatross swooping across the tearful sea

so beautiful, so disgusting

so hoary, so bold

see scarlet, tie that ribbon around

your eyes take a swing at that pinata, boy

bust its candy brains and claim your treasures cause i won’t

stop you who would dare try?

you deserve to live you idiots

you deserve the world on your

fingernail to flick like a crumb onto

the floor to be stepped on, slurped up

by the dog, rest

inside his intenstines until your

beautiful birth into the bright-ass future

of a scarlet, scarlet, scarlet tomorrow.

i like exercising when it’s over, not while i’m doing it. i’ve always wanted to be a runner, you know. i just love that ache you have after you do some hard excercising. like, you feel the sweat and you just feel really muscular and refreshed and thin, as if you already lost ten pounds from going on a bike ride for a half an hour. and also with running, i just like moving fast because i never, EVER do it. usually i stroll when i walk, or i take time to do things instead of rushing them because i’m lazy. but when you’re running, there’s no time to be lazy. there is only a limited amount of time to get from point a to point b, and while you’re doing that you can feel the wind on your face and the sweat making you feel dirty and the smells of the leaves and sunlight. it’s great.

every single day malyssa asks me if i want to go get ice cream, and i never say yes. the only time i said yes, she didn’t even sit with me because where i was sitting was “dusty”. it was a shaded picnic bench in the sand behind pete’s scoop. she is the most particular person i’ve ever met. it disgusts me and makes me so angry.  i like a routine (for some reason it took me like a minute to figure out how to spell that) as much as the next guy, but when it’s so detailed like hers, i can’t stand it. she sits in the same chair EVERY morning for breakfast, and if i sit there, she makes a huge scene until i move. how hard is it to just sit in the other of TWO fucking chairs?

wow, three evenly divided paragraphs. time for some staggering.

i need to download music. i hope bon iver’s album is really good.

well, i’m gonna go now. this post is far too symmetrical for my taste.

work was really fun yesterday. fun people were working, fun people were eating, and i pretended i was a viking for a little while. sometimes when i say i’m pretending to be something or pretending that like, the room is the Titanic, i’m actually doing it.

tuesday i’m going up with my mom, sister, and nick to see the university of vermont. i wonder if i will like it. there aren’t a lot of things i don’t like. i don’t like a lot of people, but i like a lot of things.

like muffins. i might go eat one. also, i started my summer work. i am reading one book a week, and then in three weeks ill be done with my summer reading. and then i have to write the essay and read the textbook and blah blah blah. i’m gonna try and do german at the same time. i’m so excited for german next year. i’m going to try the hardest i’ve ever tried in a class, because it’s something i love a lot.

mr. lalos is a sex offender. he was at the band banquet. greg wrote him a funny poem. he DJ’ed the band dance, and played “club can’t handle me” for me, cause i requested it. his whole career is over.

i don’t really like rap. everyone is obsessed with it.

the little blinking cursor thing isn’t showing up for some reason when i type, and it’s kind of messing me up. i never considered its importance until now. hold on, i need more milk.

the milk has been obtained. oh, there’s no napkins left either, which are another important component to eating. my parents always yell at me because i use too many napkins. my parents yell at me for pooping in the bathroom at the wrong time. THAT pisses me off.

a bathroom is for shitting. i’m not going to go allll the way to the downstairs bathroom when someone has to use the bathroom just to GET READY.  if i need to poop, chances are i need to poop right at that second, without haste. ALSO, if i’m in the comfort of my own home, why the HELL am i going to keep my poop at bay? my parents don’t understand that i do that all during the school year; in school, you need to hold in all types of bodily excretions because they are embarassing. i will admit, pooping in the school bathroom sucks. burping at school sucks. farting at school doesn’t happen. i think that i have the right to do all of these the second the need takes me in my own home. parents just don’t understand.

public isn’t a fun  place. it’s a stressful place. like a doctor’s office or a quiet classroom where only the teacher’s voice can be heard.

humans are so interesting.

i might be going to boston today, well i’m SUPPOSED to go today, but i have yet to call my mother. we’ll see what she says.

me and the wells brothers were supposed to watch lord of the rings and walking with dinosaurs, but that might never happen. nope, it probably won’t. do you ever just make those plans to hang out with people who you like, are friends with, and the plans just kind of signify that you both want the friendship to continue, or that like, you enjoy spending time at school together, so there’s the thought of spending time out of school too? that probably makes not too much sense, but it kinda does.

friends, friends, friends. they’re terrible and beautiful things.

i need some new nail polish. i might go to the new sally beauty store today and get some. all the old people at work comment on my nails. one guy, arthur, always goes “what happened to your fingers?” and i just go, “ha, ha, ha, it’s nail polish.”

i’m probably about five times lamer in my social interactions at work than i am in real life. oh well.

i think i’m going through a period of time where i’m “finding myself” again (THAT TERM IS SO RETARDED). like, i just feel like i barely know my personality anymore, but i think that’s because it’s like, MY personality. maybe i’ve stayed the same, maybe i haven’t, but it’s kind of up to a third party to decide. like, you know how when you lose weight, the people who are around you all day never notice, but when you see someone you haven’t seen since larger times they’re just like, “OH WOW MY GOODNESS YOU LOOK SO MUCH SKINNIER!” ?? well, that’s kind of how it is with personality changes.

i guess. i feel like anything i say is just like, half-way. like i’m half sure, and i’m half unsure. god, am i stupid.

okay, better. it was on the HTML tab instead of the visual tab.

this summer started off so terrible, and i highly doubt it will get any better, seeing as how the past weekend all i’ve done is just lay around and watch the food network and keeping up with the kardashians.

i can hear jonsi chirping in the other room, and it makes me sad. i just want him to come and sit on my shoulder or on my head and like, i dunno. just show me some bird love. he’s so cute and fluffy and chubby and he has cheeks. when he preens himself his cheeks get even CHUBBIER and just AH GOD DAMN IT.

i have work today. i always dread going to work, but then when i’m there i don’t mind it at all.

i have nothing interesting to write about. well, my neck hurts, but that’s not interesting. i’d have sex with bobby flay.

freefall.

it’s been so pretty the past couple of days. last week (or maybe this week. it’s the summer and every single day is in a big pile of mush together [do you pronounce "mush" like "mushroom"? cause i was thinking "mewsh" when i wrote it]) there was one day that felt JUST like fall. like, it was just so crisp and i could have worn a sweatshirt if i wanted to, but i had to run in the car to get to work anyways and i had no time.

i’ve been going to work last minute. bayley said something like that when you’re given so much time, you just keep on assuming that you have a bunch of time so you can do nothing and still be able to get stuff done later, but you assume so much that you start trying to get stuff done when it’s too late. knownamean?

it’s so weird how in everyday speech we slur all of our words together, but we can still understand them. we talk so fast. you realize that when you learn a foreign language. in german class, we’d always watch videos but we literally had to watch them 3 times in order to completely (not even completely, really) understand them. like, each time you get more and more pieces of words that you know, and you just have to try to put them all together.

it’s already 12:23, and i’ve done absolutely NOTHING. i woke up an hour ago. i’m going to read all day. i have work, too, all week long at night. work is okay, but i’m just too lazy to want to go. there’s chocolate pudding in the fridge, there, though. that’s about my only incentive. oh, and money. well, what’s better, chocolate pudding, or money?

money. smothered in chocolate pudding.

yours truly,

hessica